remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
