that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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