I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
