I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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