please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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