The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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