So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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