My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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