Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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