Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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