random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
