The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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