I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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