I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Boobs are out for the taking
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
