I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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