He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
