I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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