On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
only you would photoshop your dick
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
