Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
