and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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