Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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