I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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