...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
