so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
