forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
