I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
