Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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