I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
