I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
