nut hugger
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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