i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
