I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just invented taco cereal.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
