i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
