you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
