you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
this is an emotional support booty call
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
