i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is it because I queefed?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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