I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
