Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
