Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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