the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
