You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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