i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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