she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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