apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize