I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
