You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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