mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
