I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
