Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize