ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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