A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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