Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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