Already got asked if we're dating
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
