I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
