she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
