Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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