If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
