How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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