I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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