at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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