How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
