if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
