It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
