God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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